"Surprise Sex" Party

jon:  lets celebrate, bitch
ima pop outta yo cake
spray my frosting

jon:  blow my candles
unwrap my package
pull my ribbon
grab my gift sack

me:  well I hope you include a gift receipt
because I'm definitely gonna want to return whatever you "give" me

jon:  no returns
only abortions
haha im gonna give you a card that only says that
cryptically
me:  that's not exactly cryptic
seems pretty explicit to me
jon:  oh

me:  maybe you should just "surprise" me instead
BTW on a COMPLETELY unrelated note
I've decided to call rape "surprise sex" instead
jon:  makes sense

jon:  do you want a surprise party?

 

Muffcakes

Jennie:  what if you just draw a muffin and shade my face into it?
me:  what if I just draw you with a muffin top?
Jennie:  ooooo yes
muffin top that shit

me:  with sprinkles
which might end up looking like either zits, freckles or herpes
Jennie:  definitely strategically place them so it looks like herpes

me:  wait does that mean that I have to draw you vag
because I don't know if I'm prepared to do that
Jennie:  don't act like it's your first time
don't lie, you're less practiced at drawing things above the belt.

me:  oh
well fuck
fine, may as well draw your asshole while I'm at it
god knows I've seen it enough times
Jennie:  so, this will be like a seated-crotch-forward-facing-muffin shot?

me:  I'm thinking that we can get two bar stools, and you can stand on them, one foot on each, and I'll lie beneath, looking up

 me:  Jennie:  ........wow
me:  ...what..

me:  if you know a way to capture your asshole, vag, herpes, AND muffin top, I'd like to hear better idea.
Jennie:  hahahahaha
.....pretzel position??
me:  maybe we could incorporate some mirrors...?

Jennie:  that would sure squeeze a good muffin top out
mirrors, check.
whipped cream, check.
er, wait
me:  wait...what??
Jennie:  haha
me:  vaseline

 me:  Jennie:  oh woops
yeah good call
me:  scotch tape
masking tape
Jennie:  syran wrap
me:  duct tape
double sided tape
Jennie:  spread knives
sprinkles

me:  electrical tape
forceps
tweezers
screw driver
nutcracker

me:  once you put sprinkles on a muffin, it becomes a cupcake
...right?
or, does it also need to have frosting...
Jennie:  I think frosting makes it a cupcake
me:  if you only have sprinkles, and no frosting, does that make it a MuffCake?
Jennie:  hahahaha

me:  "Deep thoughts, by Erika Wright"
Jennie:  Nice
hahaha
write a book!

me: I could really go for a muffcake right now.

 

Pantiless for the Papparazzi

Erika:

we should "accidentally" not wear underwear with our dresses

10:49 AM Erika:

and "accidentally" get out of the cab in a less than lady like manner

10:49 AM Sally:

hahaha right

oh my god can we take paparrazi photos like that

cause that'd be hot

10:49 AM Erika:

BAHAHHAA

I think you just asked me to take a pic of your vag

and my answer is yes

10:51 AM Betty: I'm so pissed I'm going to miss this

fuck john mayer

can you guys at least send me the pics?

10:52 AM Erika: of course

you can guess who is who

from the waist down

10:54 AM Betty: I love that game

Molestation Contest

Erika: how's avoiding the kids going

Jon: tough to avoid. they keep finding me, then farting

Erika:  wait you or them

Jon: both, in unison

Erika: you should teach them the arabian deathmask. You know, where you cover their eyes with your balls and then fart in their mouth.

Jon: omg

Erika: see this is why I shouldn't have children, can you tell nich?

Jon: no im gonna tell him that your womb is hungry for some goo-gurt

Erika: you are basically witnessing a crime without reporting it, which makes you just as guilty

Jon: haha

Erika: it's like that coach that knew the other coach was molesting kids but didn't say anything. yes, I am the molester in this scenario

Jon: wati…can i be the molester?

Jon: or wait

Jon: am i coaching you on how to BE a molester?

Erika: now wait a minute….who says who is better at molesting? we should have a molest-off to find out for sure. I'll call Jennie. Be at your place in 30

Jon: k. wait is jennie a contestent, or the molestee??

Erika: molestee. come on, do you REALLY think she would have any shot of out-molesting the likes of us??

Jon: hells no, well tell her to prepare for some serious professional molestation!

Erika: hhaha, this ain't your creepy uncle's amatuer shit. this is the real deal

Peepin' Cleavage

jon:  ive mastered the ability to undress women with my peripheral vision

 me:  That's good because I've never seen someone stare so blatantly at cleavage before

jon:  yes

i am undetectable now

wait, was it YOUR cleavage?

your isn't even that great

 me:  fuck you

 jon:  oh

Anne Frank Makes Me Horny

J:  currently in amsterdam and heading to iceland on friday

 me:  wow awesome

I'm jealous

bang a hooker while smoking opium for me

 J:  i'll put it on the list to do after the Anne Frank museum

 me:  good idea

Anne Frank should get you nice and horny

 J:  get the juices flowing as it were.

 

Blowjob Confessional

Sally: Erika is being a vodka sipping whore at the All Hands event...Betty, do you want to be a team captain? 

Sally: god that emoticon keeps crying

Erika: it would be great at crysterbating

Sally: what!?

4Erika: what?

you know, when you masturbate with your own tears.

Sally: oh jesus

Erika: no no, that would be CROSS-terbating

Sally: ooohhh

Erika: Jesus would be masturbating with a cross

Sally: haha or holy water?

Erika: oh yeah! Dip the cross in holy water

that's hot

Sally: wait... wouldn't he person burn

Sally: in slow agony... cause the holy water would be like all over their sins

Betty: woah

i just got off phone

Betty: give me a min to catch up on this horrible conversation

Erika: pain only adds to the enjoyment

Sally: you masochist!

Erika: I prefer masoCHRIST

Betty: in regards to your question

Betty: I am NOT playing vball at the event

Sally: what? come on, don’t be lame. Jesus you guys blow.

Erika: wait no one said anything about blowing jesus

if that's part of the itinerary, I'm totally in

Betty: can we just skip vball and take turns giving bj's in the bath house?

Erika: I think everyone would enjoy that a LOT more

Betty: i think it's a great idea. And tips are accepted

Erika: just the tip?

I'll accept some tip. In my mouth

Betty: some of the devs are virgins so that might be more comfortable for them

Erika: Ohhhh I have a great idea! Let's rent a confessional

Sally: but seriously...Betty! No hooking up in the bathhouse

Erika: I want to confess my sins

Sally: that would take too long

Erika: oh

Sally: you'd be in there for hours

Betty: i'm definitely taking kishore to the bath house

it's my one chance

Erika: If you want me to hold him down, I totally will

because I'm a good friend

Betty: that is the nicest thing you've ever said

I would love that

thank you

Yellow: Serious Medical Condition...or Just Pee.

M: so

  are there like

  hospitals in walla walla?

me: um

 M: i just started this medication

  and the pharmicist was like DONT drink

 me: ....

M: yeah i might not start it til monday

 me: haha

 M: i bet its just precautionary

 me: what is it for???

 M: uhhh

  its kinda gross

 me: when they say "don't drink" what they really mean is, "you'll have way too much fun being fucked up if you drink"

 M: right?

  yeah so

 i got some itchy spots this week

  so the doctor tells me its a FUNGUS

  im like wtf, i shower like twice a day

 me: probably all the ball sweat

 M: haha

  no its not down there

 me: oh

M: its actually barely noticeable, just some redness on torso/shoulders

 me: are you sure that's not a rug burn?

 M: haha

  yeah

  so i take this pill

  and its apparently bad for your liver

  so i think if i drank a shit ton, i could damage my liver or something

 so if i turn yellow, just take me to the hospital

 me: oh

  what if you're yellow because I've peed on you?

  do we still need tot take you to the hospital

M: uh no

  just keep peeing

 me: great, that was my plan

 M: cool