Romatically Racist Pet Names

 jon: so

  relationship question

  do you and nich have... pet names for each other?

9:27 AM me: yeah

  foreskin McGingerballz

 jon: is that yours or his?

9:28 AM me: :(

 jon: oh

  yeah so

9:29 AM alex started calling me

  "Mr McTasty Cakes"

  and I am just not sure what to make of it

 me: haha

  I like it

 jon: yeah

  before that she was calling me vanilla, but i found that to be racially offensive

 me: hehe

9:30 AM or maybe your sex is just boring...

 jon: oh

 me: did you ever think of that?

 jon: maybe

  yes

  probably

  i tried to call her 'choco taco' but she wasnt down iwth that

9:35 AM it would seem that when it comes to pet names, there is a fine line between romantic and racially offensive

10:18 AM me: I prefer to marry the two, personally

10:27 AM jon: yeah

  id like to marry two

  women

 me: ....

Fucking Candlesticks

Me: so...
I'd fuck the shit out of that dancing candlestick in Beauty and the Beast
Jennie:
HAHAHHAAHHAHA
omg
so great erika
me: I'd smother them flaaaaaames!
Jennie: uhh
me: you know, the candlestick flames
I'd smother them
with my ass
Jennie: ....uhm
me: then I'd put one candle in...and the other in.....
Jennie: ew :(

Hotdog Wedding

jon: Id hit it

5:19 PM me: yeah you would

 jon: Id cum in her roses

5:24 PM me: ew

5:27 PM jon: um

  your status

  it isn't disturbing

 me: I know

  people keep pinging me about it

5:28 PM jon: i was clicking thru the pics waiting for the horrible one

  but there weren't any

  what gives?

  has your clock gone off??

5:29 PM me: haha

  no

5:30 PM jon: wtf erika

  you are freaking me out

 me: here this will make you feel better:

you can squirt mayonaisse all over me, wipe it off with a hot dog

it will be so hot

5:32 PM jon: how bout i squirt on you, then someone else wipes it off with their hot dog

5:35 PM at your wedding...

5:36 PM me: interesting concept

  I'll run it by nich

 jon: wtf are you two engaged

 me: oh

  no

5:38 PM jon: phew

  i still have a chance

  ....

  to gaymarry nich.

Machine Gun Babies

Jon: oh
oh jennie
one day you will get married and pump out kids like a machine gun
Jennie: can you "pump out" via c-section?
Jon: who knows, maybe some will be mine??
Jennie: only if you roofy me
and got lucky
Jon: ill roofy you with my charm
Jennie: what charm? you mean your charm bracelet?
Jon: yeah
made of roofies

  Jennie: like those candy necklaces
Jon: exactly

Condom Balloon Animals

 J:  yeah, so,

10 condoms later....

 me:  you made a giraffe?

 J:  and then she asked me later that day if we could have round 11

 me:  oh, so no condom balloon animals huh

 J:  haha I could have

they are still in the trash

let me try

give me one sec

 me:  eww, you're gonna blow that up with all the cum in it???

 J:  it's dry by now

 me:  oh well I guess that makes it OK

haha

 J:  PLUS

PROTEINS!

 me:  oh god

 J:  'the circle of life"

 me:  note to self, if starving, eat own cum

Lizard Semen

me: google hehe lizard

  it's a thing

5:10 PMjon: hmm

  i dont get it

5:11 PM me: me neither

  I'm just riding the trends

  seeing what sticks

 jon: ah

 me: (semen)

 jon: mmhmm

 me: heh

 jon: im cookin up a sticky batch for ya

 me: omg

  gross

 

 jon: haha

5:13 PM 

  wish i wasnt at work

5:14 PM and was instead spraying semen on some unsuspecting young lady

Taint Hair Braiding

me: I want a cookie

and a blow job

Jennie: I want to snot rocket all over you

me: I hate you

Jennie: i love your chin

me: so much that you want to put your balls on it?

Jennie: I want to rub my long ass hairs all over it

me: I'll chap your ass with my beard

Jennie: I want to dutch oven your mouth

me: I want to braid your taint hairs, then swing you around by the braid, like a tether ball

and then jump rope with hit

Jennie: only if you'll suck on it like a lollipop afterwards

me: hnmmmm chocolate, my favorite!