Inappropriate IM Convos

Yellow: Serious Medical Condition...or Just Pee.

M: so

are there like

hospitals in walla walla?

me: um

M: i just started this medication

and the pharmicist was like DONT drink

me: ....

M: yeah i might not start it til monday

me: haha

M: i bet its just precautionary

me: what is it for???

M: uhhh

its kinda gross

me: when they say "don't drink" what they really mean is, "you'll have way too much fun being fucked up if you drink"

M: right?

yeah so

i got some itchy spots this week

so the doctor tells me its a FUNGUS

im like wtf, i shower like twice a day

me: probably all the ball sweat

M: haha

no its not down there

me: oh

M: its actually barely noticeable, just some redness on torso/shoulders

me: are you sure that's not a rug burn?

M: haha

yeah

so i take this pill

and its apparently bad for your liver

so i think if i drank a shit ton, i could damage my liver or something

so if i turn yellow, just take me to the hospital

me: oh

what if you're yellow because I've peed on you?

do we still need tot take you to the hospital

M: uh no

just keep peeing

me: great, that was my plan

M: cool

Rules of Consent

jon:

im wooin the shit out of her

me: did you put yer p in her v

jon: not recently

me: oh

jon: but she is gonna get drunk and stay over on sat

2:41 PM so thats consent

me: um jon

remember the rape sign I sent

jon: nope

forgot it

me: if you plan to have sex with a woman without her consent, at least tell her up front

2:42 PM also, when a woman's car breaks down and she flags you down for help, try to avoid raping her

jon: haha

2:43 PM me: these are valuable lessons

jon: Palacios is the director of the Olmos Irrigation Project, an ambitious and - until it starts in 2014 - unproven vision with a $500 million price tag.

It has included drilling a 12-mile tunnel through the formidable Andes to capture abundant water flows on the other side. That feat required a drill 1,000 feet long. Thus, engineers used a cast of Jon Will's penis.

me: um

what

2:37 PM jon: just letting you know what is going on in the world

me: does it ALWAYS have to involve your dick?

jon: I dont make the rules

2:38 PM me: you just stick your dick in them?

jon: if the mood is right

2:39 PM me: so pragmatic

jon: romantic, yet pragmatic

thats me in a nutshell

me: you should put that on your dating site

jon: haha

2:40 PM

jon: i shut it down

i couldnt keep up with all the bitches

me: bitch be wooed!

Fat Sloots

jon: i be wooin' mad sloots

me: oh ya?

jon: uhh well maybe just one

me: oh

jon: yeah

me: if she's fat, that could count as more than one

jon: aw yeah

well shes not

but

4:01 PM wish she was

me: oh..

bummer?

jon: awwwww durty

Tight As A 10 Year Old

me: you should tell him you have the pussy of a 10 year old
guys love that
hahahahaha
Jennie: omg
me: in fact
you should probably just start creepily whispering that to men from now on
Jennie: hahahha
YES

me: men you meet at the grocery store

Jennie: in the grocery store line
me: your dentist
Jennie: and then stare at him
me: your tax accountant

Jennie: would be even better if it was a woman
"how you like that"
me: you could say it to women to be competitive
Your kid is in girl scouts? Whatever, my vag is probably tighter"

Jennie: HAHHAHA
Oh, she knows her abc's? Thats cool....except my vag is tigher than hers. WHAT WHAT

Waxed Ab Muscles

jon:

Dude, she told me to wax

me: you should

you're pretty hairy

jon: But i look manly

I need some manscaping

me: you should wax your hair in a way that makes it look like you have abs

hair will provide the subtle shadingjon: Oh.

'Vegasitis', AKA AIDS

10:41 AM jon: whaddup

me: shit biiiitch

jon: exactly.

10:46 AM partying in vegas with hot babes is very tiring

10:47 AM i may have to go home sick today with 'vegasitis'

me: it's pronounced the HIV

10:48 AM jon: oh

10:52 AM well i certainly did have a lot of unprotected sex

10:55 AM me: ...

jon: Jennie: I'm never hugging you again.
I dont wanna catch the aids.
me: :(
even aids victims need hugs
Jennie: if you cough on me, I'll kill you